Archive for the ‘Featured’ Category

How To Better Understand Self-Sabotage

Written by Kate • May 21, 2020 •
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The Ancient City in Gordes, France

In the past, I’ve been completely overwhelmed by the power of my self-sabotaging behavior. Why was I eating that food when I’m not hungry? Why am I still reading Facebook after two hours when I swore I’d only be on for 15 minutes? Why didn’t I do my yoga today? It was a total mystery to me and one that made me feel quite disempowered.

I thought that because I understand the brain’s reward system and some hacks about how to manage the system and do an end run around it, I had the keys to self sabotaging behavior. But I didn’t and still engaged in behavior that I didn’t intend to.

The Primitive Brain’s Motivational Triad

Then I read/listened to Brooke Castillo’s work about the primitive brain and how, as she puts it, it was created to pursue the live saving triad of motivating us to:

  1. seek pleasure
  2. avoid pain
  3. spend as little energy as possible

Our primitive brain is trying to keep us alive at all costs and as such, it drives us to prioritize short term pleasure, like eating sugar or other highly caloric food, in order to bolster the body’s resources. [This is a much larger discussion but I’m trying to hit the highlights. The brain drives us to seek pleasure to keep us alive, even when life is extremely hard, food is scarce, and the odds are high against our survival. We need a strong counterbalancing force to help us not give up when things get rough.]

Avoiding pain keeps us safe (but small).

And conserving energy is just smart if you never know when a bear might attack you. Rest until you need to get out there again, our brain urges.

Of course, for many of us in the developed world, this ancient way of preserving life against a nature that is red in tooth and claw is no longer necessary (except for the rare occasion) and is, in fact, keeping us living small and constrained lives.

You Can Just Say No

Here was the revelation for me.

When I’d make big plans to change or put myself out there or adopt a new expansive lifestyle change, soon enough I’d get this irresistible urge to stop changing and a lot of thoughts that would tell me in a variety of ways that it was too hard, I wasn’t good enough, I needed to have fun, I needed to rest, and on and on and on. These urges against change were so overwhelming that after using my will power to grit against them, I’d give in.

These thoughts and urges were tricky and I’d try to understand where they were coming from. I’d think they were important and something I needed to listen to because it felt so strong, so real.

Brooke Castillo says that she notices this voice rise up and start the old refrain trying to keep her small, she says something like, “Noted. But we won’t be doing that”.

And that’s all it takes. Noticing what your brain is saying and lovingly saying to the voice, “Noted. But we won’t be doing that”. You can just say No.

A Lesson from Yesterday’s Yoga Session

If you’ve been reading my blogs, you likely have gleaned that I’m a yoga addict. I really do love it although I’m not yet strong enough to do all the asanas I’d like to in a way I’d like to. Like I can’t float forward to a forward bend. I have to step forward. After some trial and error, like focusing on my upper body strength, I know I need to strengthen my core which I’m working on.

So Monday night into Tuesday, I had some GI issues that kept me up for a few hours. I assessed my physical situation early in the morning and realized I needed sleep more than I needed to make time for yoga. And that was a solid decision.

But Wednesday morning, as I started my yoga session, I noticed how tight I was, especially in my right shoulder/rotator cuff. And my brain went off on this riff that went something like “OMG, why do you even try? You didn’t do yoga yesterday and now you’re behind and you’ll never catch up. So just stop doing yoga”. And for a moment, before I shined some consciousness on these thought loops, I actually almost just quit doing yoga. Like my finger started to reach for the pause button.

I then thought to myself, how does quitting my session today help me catch up? And how can I be behind when I’m still practicing? What does being behind in yoga even mean? I don’t want to stop doing yoga. I love yoga.

But the pull to stop expending energy was briefly very strong. I realized it’s just my brain trying to get me to conserve energy even when it’s better that I do the work, to strengthen my body and my mind.

Also, my shoulder hurt so my primitive brain wanted to stop doing the thing that hurt.

The analogy to a toddler is probably way overused but it is accurate. That part of our brain really is so similar to a toddler. So I said to it, “noted, but we’re doing yoga”. And in an instant, when I put quitting off the table, affirmed it wasn’t an option, I felt a surge in energy and my yoga session deepened. Miraculously, my shoulder also felt better and by the end of the session, the pain and tightness had disappeared. And I felt deeply satisfied to have finished that session.

Later, after my yoga session, when I considered vacuuming and mopping my juice stained, food encrusted kitchen floors [do they throw food on the floor for the fun of it?] my primitive brain briefly tried to convince me that reading my book was more important (conserving energy) but I again said, ‘no, these floors are getting clean.” It took a lot longer than I intended. Dinner was late. But my floors are sparkling and I took pleasure in accomplishing what I set out to do. The primitive brain that didn’t want me to do it then took a lot of pride in getting this done. Go figure. And I still was able to read for a bit after the twins went to bed.

It Can Be That SimpleNo, we’re not doing that.

I really can be that simple, just a “no, we’re not doing that”. There are then no urges to resist or expend will power on. Focus on something different than what the toddler brain wants. No need to bargain with, try to understand, or analyze this part of your brain. It can be simply a case of saying, “no, not that. This”.

Noticing What Comes in the Stillness

Written by Kate • May 20, 2020 •
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My kids in Roussillon, France – Oct 2019

As I grapple with the effects of the lockdown during the COVID 19 pandemic, I noticed that I moved away from my practice of stillness and started to fret about the future, the future in terms of the economy and whether or not schools will start up in the fall.

My general plan has been to be a stay at home Mom with limited hours invested in this business until kindergarten. My twins would both be entering kindergarten and much of my day would then be freed up to spend how I choose. It’s like I set up school starting as some sort of finish line in terms of an end point of spending the vast majority of my time on watching and tending to my kids.

It was a goal line, I see now. The image that springs to my mind is of carrying both kids and finally reaching the start of school and placing my kids down on the other side as they start their school adventures.

And then the pandemic arrived. Schools closed. The future is now so uncertain, as it always is, but now it is transparently so.

I notice what the thought of no school in the fall means to me. At first it was honestly close to sheer panic and complete resistance. Noooooooo, screamed my mind. But after allowing myself some time to freak out and to really mourn the potential loss of my plans, I have also assessed and planned for what we’ll do if the schools do close and remain remote learning focused. I know my rising kindergarteners are in no way prepared for a year of remote learning. Not at all. So we’ll home school them. It just is what needs to be done for us as a family and we can do it, with some sacrifice and changes to our focus and schedules.

I see what rises when I try to resist what is. For me, when I’m pushing up against reality and trying to change it, I can actually sense the feeling of pushing against my forehead from the inside of my skull. It’s like I’m pushing on an accelerator and pushing pushing pushing against what is to impose my will against what reality is presenting me with.

As soon as I notice the pushing, I just drop it and drop my attention into my body. A sense of ease arises and I notice it feels better to rest in the moment rather than drop into unconsciousness and try to force reality to be different.

It is an enduring truth that we suffer when we try to make reality different what it is. We have expectations. They arise and they fall away. By hanging on to our expectations no matter the reality and changes we are presented with, we suffer. Drop your expectations. Drop your clinging to certain outcomes. You will feel lighter and the suffering stops.

Rest in the stillness. Listen to what it brings.

What Is The Stillness Trying to Tell You?

Written by Kate • May 18, 2020 •
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Our Yard With Our View

I’m reading Glennon Doyle‘s Untamed and I’m mesmerized by her writing, her stories, and the power of her voice. What a book. I highly recommend it.

I got into the bath Friday night after an amazing 4 hour session of mowing our yard, listening to Brooke Castillo’s podcasts. I just love her work and the sense of fellowship to help support me and remember to continue to manage my mind, especially during the COVID-19 lockdown and the isolation it brings. When it’s just you, your partner, and young kids, if you don’t manage your mind, you can slip into old patterns and it can be far too long until you notice you’ve gone unconscious. So I stay frosty and bolstered, listening to Brooke.

And then, in the bath to wash off all that grass and soak my weary yet satisfied bones- I really do love to mow, to get out there in the sun and the solitude and nature- and the fruits of my labor are obvious and immediate with the fresh mow lines and beautiful space for my kids to run and play.

I read the first third of the book in the bath. I was riveted. I was slayed. I got verklempt and I am so profoundly grateful to Glennon for using her time and her voice to create this masterpiece. What a book.

There is a section in the book where she talks about sinking into the space underneath it all, mainly in her meditation sessions but also in her every day life. Her words help outline the inexplicable. If you haven’t ever sunk into the silence and connected with Source/with God, then this might be just an interesting story.

For me, it felt like coming home, chatting with someone who really gets what you’re going through. And her explanation of the results of that connection, that “liquid gold” she talks about. I get that too. For me, it’s not liquid gold, it’s liquid silvery light. But yes, I get her.

The tag line of my website that I established in 2011 is Stillness. Clarity. Purpose. And Glennon talks about how she loves to Be Still and Know. Yes, sister, yes.

What is the stillness trying to help you know?

It’s ok to rest.

Written by Kate • May 15, 2020 •
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Sunrise at Srah Srang

The world can feel a little crazy, even when we’re not in the middle of a pandemic. People protesting wearing masks. People saying this interview was deceptively edited. No, it was this interview from the other side of the aisle that was.

People saying “you people are doing this” and those people saying “are you crazy, you people are doing this”. It kinda makes you wonder about the very nature of reality. But really, it’s just the brain doing what it does: make up stories to fit our current belief system.

It’s your choice to believe your brain or not. But that’s yesterday’s post.

Today I’m just popping in to say it’s ok to take a break, no matter what anyone tells you about that. Take a rest. Breathe. Get a bit of distance in order to get centered and understand the nature of illusion.

The breaks from the sound and fury in your social media feed help you break free from illusion.

And napping helps too. It’ll all be there when you’re rested.

What Is Your Relationship With Your Future Self?

Written by Kate • April 29, 2020 •
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I Honour the Place in You

This is something I’ve been mulling over lately. In the past, I’ve assumed my future self will be able to handle all the “mistakes”, bad decisions, over spending, over eating, over drinking, and under disciplined actions I take. I’ve thought that my future self will be wiser, better, richer, smarter, and healthier than current me. Can you relate?

But I see that my future self is dependent on what my current self decides, eats, drinks, spends, and does. My future self can’t be any wiser, smarter, wealthier, or healthier than actions that my current self takes.

So if I overspend now, my future self has to clean up my current self’s debt. If I overeat now, my future self has to deal with excess weight that my current self is willing to mortgage my future with. If I make decisions that cause me to go into debt, into over consuming in any way, then I’ve mortgaged my future self and handicapped her ability to make decisions from a place of abundance.

So I examined my belief and the thinking the supports it, that my future self will be handle my current thought errors and unsupportive decisions. And I made the decision that I want my future self to have a better class of problems, as Tony Robbins has said about the enduring presence of problems. We’ll always have our problems or our challenges, but we can have a better class of them. And I want that for future me.

I’ve written my future self a love letter from me now. I do want her to be healthier, wiser, wealthier, and more joyful than I now. But to do that, I’m tackling the obstacles I see before me now. I’m building muscles on how to be more disciplined and make wiser choices that help me delay gratification, build resilience, and live a life much more inline with our authentic self. I’m stepping away from habits of indulgence and short term thinking towards a life that is centered on the now, I no longer believe my future self can rescue me from habits that don’t support or serve me and yet that I deepen by repeating them day in and day out.

My future self won’t rescue me from myself. Only I can now. Here. In the Now. I’m doing all I can so my future self will be proud, happy, and bettered by the decisions I’m making now.

I love you, future self. Here’s to us and a better class of problems.