Day 4. And the pendulum swings back
Written by Kate • December 6, 2018 •
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It’s been 4 days since I’ve committed to getting up early and exercising and meditating for an hour and writing this blog. It’s going quite imperfectly but I realized yesterday that expecting perfection is perfectly stupid. I don’t fully know how to be in this new way. I’m feeling my way through a new behavior pattern and I’ve got powerfully strong habits that are pulling me back to my old, familiar patterns. So last night I was so tired and I didn’t feel well from dehydration that I laid on the couch to recover so I could head upstairs. And fell headlong into a novel and didn’t go to bed until past 10pm. I could beat myself up about this or I could learn from it and begin again tomorrow.
And still I woke up at 4:15 and got out of bed at 4:45. I meditated and now I’m writing. This is definitely a win in my book. I can nap and do my exercise later on. Also, the “voice” has been talking to me telling me that my writing is boring. I’m not funny or real or interesting or whatever enough. And maybe I’m not. But I also know the more that I sit and allow whatever needs to come through to come through, I’ll get better, more practiced, and confident in what I’m doing. So here I sit, writing.
I’ve been watching and participating in Kyle Cease’s the Limitation Game. I highly recommend it. It proved to me that you can hear the same thing multiple times but until you’re either ready or it’s said in a way that pierces you to the core, this important nugget of information just doesn’t resonate. Until it does. In terms of the Limitation Game, Kyle talked about the Universe speaking through you to give you guidance. But the guidance is just the next step. Not the step beyond or the whole path or even the why. Just the next step. And that really hit me in the feels. But Kyle then juxtaposed the current GPS system we all know and love from our apps or car GPS with the old way of doing it, like MapQuest.
The old way was you’d hit your computer and use MapQuest or Google Maps, tell it your starting and ending points and it would spit out the directions for the entire trip. You’d print that out and have it with you in the car as you headed out. I remember how I managed my trips with MapQuest. Even if I got a nudge to go a different way, I still stayed on the known path. I spent the entire time clutching it in my hand, nervous that I’d miss my turn and I’d have to turn back and waste a ton of time. I was constantly consulting it rather than enjoying the trip. It didn’t constantly update me with a new way to travel based on ever changing circumstances like traffic or an accident. This metaphor is just so incredibly apt for living a life without being the flow, without allowing the Universe to guide you in the moment.
Whereas the Universe is really like a current GPS system. Go left in 1000 ft. It’s quiet. The voice is firm and doesn’t argue or try to bombard you with information you don’t need about another step in the path. Just go left. And if you’re stubborn and you ignore the directions and pass the left turn you were directed to make and keeping on going down your own path, it helps to redirect you back to where you are going on the fly, updating the directions based on what’s actually happening now. So you don’t need to do more than make the change the GPS Universe is giving you.
These metaphors, juxtaposed against each other, highlighted to me weaknesses and flaws in trying to live a life based on a MapQuest kind of way and showed me the power and simplicity of relying on GPS for just the next step. And, in fact, having the whole journey written down for you to hold in your hand makes me rigid and unwilling to travel down a new road that looks interesting and fun. Because I have the plan and that’s the how I’m supposed to get there.
He also talked about the power of needing and wanting to make changes to your life, especially through meditation. he talked about living a life where you are swinging from one situation to the next, like big swings of a pendulum. Likely they’re the same situation with slightly different nuances, like a different boss who’s giving you trouble or a different boyfriend who’s breaking your heart. But fundamentally, it’s the same story being played out again and again. he says through meditation, we can slow the pendulum down and lessen the swings so that you’re more centered and there’s less big motions. The more you sit and meditate, listening to the stillness, the pendulum can be halted and there you are, in peace and stillness.
By staying up late last night, my old habits tried to get me back into a big pendulum swing of drama where I’m once again not living my life in a way that supports my true self and the guidance I repeatedly get over and over and over and over again (seriously repeated guidance of just sit the hell still and listen- Stop running away!) But I got up and I meditated and I feel like I’m back in stillness and a more peaceful life.
To me, it’s so helpful to view slipping back into old patterns as just the pendulum trying to pick up again so I can marinate in my old patterns of drama and victimhood. I see now that I can lay that one down and easily step back into my new way of life without engaging in any mental self-flagellation for finding comfort in old routines when I’m at my most tired.
And I’m routinely finding that I can bang out 1000 words or more in 45 minutes whereas before trying to even write one blog, when I wasn’t feeling the topic, was so brutally hard.